Amateur Catholic

We don't write books or do speaking tours.
In fact, we barely do our jobs.
-We're the B-Team of Catholic Bloggers-

This is the home of the Amateur Catholic® bloggers - or as we like to refer to ourselves, the B-team. We don't write books or do speaking tours. In fact, we barely do our jobs. That's not to say we're unambitious though... You see, this coalition is just the second phase our blogoshpere conquest. We suppose you could think of us as amateur crusaders too.

Membership will not bring you any money, perks, notoriety, or prestige - but you will get the privilege of proudly displaying the B-team badge on your blog! Lucky you, huh?

amateurcatholic @

If you are hosting a conference, parish function, or some other event and can not afford the exorbitant fees typically associated with a Professional Catholic®, please contact one of our members. We like to hear ourselves talk just as much as the Professional Catholics® do, we just don't charge you for it. But hey give us a meal, free beer, and a designated driver, and we'll speak about breaking the Da Vinci Code or anything else you might care to hear about.

The B-Team badge is copryright 2006, The B-Team Bloggers®. Of course, we're Amateur Catholics®, so if you use the badge without permission (enrolled membership), we won't hunt you down and make you cough up your hard-earned bucks. Just have fun with it and maybe buy us a beer next time you're in town.

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Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Joel: Amateur Catholic and Apostle to the...

Let's try this again, shall we?:
Please consider this blatant rip-off of a commercial as my request for the status of Amateur Catholic. I'm a convert to the Church, but I spend a lot of blogspace very gently trying to straighten out misconceptions among Protestant bloggers, particularly the out-and-out anti-Catholics. My wife calls me "the apostle to the a**holes." Anyway, if there's a Canadian on the judging committee, he'll recognize this:
(Sound of footsteps echoing on a stage, followed by feedback.)
Ahem... The Lord be with you. (Congregation: And also with you.)

I'm not a pagan, or a cult member, or even a heretic.I don't worship statues, or recrucify Christ on an altar, or buy indulgences. I don't know Pope Benedict, or Scott Hahn, or the Black Pope. Heck, I don't even know who the current head of the Jesuits is.

I have a priest, but he's also a pastor, like yours, and I also have a bishop and a pope. I don't speak Latin, at least not much, but I can get through a liturgy in Spanish. I attend a Mass, not a service, and I snooze through a homily, not a sermon, although my nap is a lot shorter. My pastor is a Jesuit, but he's not interested in taking over the world. If he ever achieved global power, he'd probably forget where he put it. He also doesn't molest children, although I've seen him assault a plate of cookies with a ferocity that would do credit to the Mongol hordes.

I can wear little medals of saints around my neck with a clear conscience. I believe in honoring Mary, not worshiping her. I've never burned a heretic or sacked Constantinople in my life, and I don't know anybody who has. A miter is a pointy bishop's hat, and a thurible is a holder for incense, and I pronounce it "a-GUST-in," not "AW-gust-een."

The Roman Catholic Church is the largest religious organization in the world, the oldest Christian church still in existence (no matter what the Orthodox say), and the preserver of Christian civilization in the West.

My name is Joel, and... I... am... a Papist!
[ed: In spite of his obscure Canadian referrences, he is not a Canadian. Not that there's anything wrong with that...]

(Congregation: Uh... yeah. Amen.)
On the Other Foot
Sorry Joel, no Canadians on the committee, just us self-absorbed Americans who think Canada is the 51st state or something. However, we will do speaking engagements for Molson and a dog sled ride back to the igloo or whatever it is that our brothers in the Great White North would put us up in. ;)

Funny that your wife calls you the "apostle to the @$holes", my wife calls me that too. Well, almost...she sort of leaves out the "apostle to the" and the plural ending, but otherwise it's the identical statement! Welcome, eh?

[ed: Note how nowhere in the above text was Joel accused of being a Canadian. Not that there's anything wrong with that...]


At 3/07/2006 11:25 PM, Blogger onionboy said...

I'd be shaking in my sola pes pedis had I not already converted. And now from one fine Canadian Catholic convert:

O Canada!
Our home and totalitarian land!
True parrot love in all thy persons of equal rights command.

With rowing arcs we see thee spies,
In the True North strong and semi-free!

From far and wide,
O Canada, we stand on lard for thee.

God {or other Higher power of your choice} keep our land not bad eh and GST-free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

O Canada, we are disarmed for thee.

Somebody drop da puck already, eh, ma beers gettin' tepid.

At 3/08/2006 11:11 AM, Blogger Joel said...

ROFL! I'm not Canadian, dammit! I should never have trusted my entry to an amateur, eh?

At 3/08/2006 11:34 AM, Blogger Rick Lugari said...



What's the diff?


I suppose God isn't very fond of you because He obviously willed you to get posted by the tard. But in the tard's defense, it took three emails for the Canadianish guy to get his post right. :)

I'll get to work fixing it right now, bud.

At 3/08/2006 4:10 PM, Blogger Joel said...

Thanks, Rick. I'd take back what I said about you being an amateur if that hadn't recently become a moderately positive thing to call a Catholic. :)

And if God were fond of me, do you think I'd look like this?

At 3/08/2006 10:49 PM, Blogger Rick Lugari said...



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