Joel: Amateur Catholic and Apostle to the...

Let's try this again, shall we?:

Please consider this blatant rip-off of a commercial as my request for the status of Amateur Catholic. I'm a convert to the Church, but I spend a lot of blogspace very gently trying to straighten out misconceptions among Protestant bloggers, particularly the out-and-out anti-Catholics. My wife calls me "the apostle to the a**holes." Anyway, if there's a Canadian on the judging committee, he'll recognize this:
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(Sound of footsteps echoing on a stage, followed by feedback.)
Ahem... The Lord be with you. (Congregation: And also with you.)
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I'm not a pagan, or a cult member, or even a heretic.I don't worship statues, or recrucify Christ on an altar, or buy indulgences. I don't know Pope Benedict, or Scott Hahn, or the Black Pope. Heck, I don't even know who the current head of the Jesuits is.

I have a priest, but he's also a pastor, like yours, and I also have a bishop and a pope. I don't speak Latin, at least not much, but I can get through a liturgy in Spanish. I attend a Mass, not a service, and I snooze through a homily, not a sermon, although my nap is a lot shorter. My pastor is a Jesuit, but he's not interested in taking over the world. If he ever achieved global power, he'd probably forget where he put it. He also doesn't molest children, although I've seen him assault a plate of cookies with a ferocity that would do credit to the Mongol hordes.

I can wear little medals of saints around my neck with a clear conscience. I believe in honoring Mary, not worshiping her. I've never burned a heretic or sacked Constantinople in my life, and I don't know anybody who has. A miter is a pointy bishop's hat, and a thurible is a holder for incense, and I pronounce it "a-GUST-in," not "AW-gust-een."

The Roman Catholic Church is the largest religious organization in the world, the oldest Christian church still in existence (no matter what the Orthodox say), and the preserver of Christian civilization in the West.

My name is Joel, and... I... am... a Papist!
[ed: In spite of his obscure Canadian referrences, he is not a Canadian. Not that there's anything wrong with that...]

(Congregation: Uh... yeah. Amen.)
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Joel
On the Other Foot
http://ontheotherfoot.blogspot.com

Sorry Joel, no Canadians on the committee, just us self-absorbed Americans who think Canada is the 51st state or something. However, we will do speaking engagements for Molson and a dog sled ride back to the igloo or whatever it is that our brothers in the Great White North would put us up in. ;)

Funny that your wife calls you the "apostle to the @$holes", my wife calls me that too. Well, almost...she sort of leaves out the "apostle to the" and the plural ending, but otherwise it's the identical statement! Welcome, eh?

[ed: Note how nowhere in the above text was Joel accused of being a Canadian. Not that there's anything wrong with that...]